Stop Being a Perfectionist

Why Your Greatest Strength is Actually Your Biggest Prison

Listen, Beautiful Soul. If you're reading this because neurotic perfectionism is ruining your life, you're not alone—and you're definitely not broken. You're just trapped in a prison you built yourself, one "perfect" email rewrite at a time.

What is perfectionism? It's the relentless pursuit of flawlessness combined with setting unrealistically high standards and being overly critical of mistakes. But here's the truth nobody talks about: where does perfectionism come from? It's rarely about excellence—it's about survival.

I know this intimately because I lived it for decades. Stop being a perfectionist wasn't just a nice idea for me—it was a survival necessity that took me years to figure out. And honestly? It pisses me off that we're not talking about this more openly, especially for high-achieving women in finance and tech who've been rewarded their entire careers for being flawless.

Pour yourself a glass of wine, Brave One, because we're about to get real about the beautiful, exhausting, soul-crushing trap of perfectionism.

You know exactly what I'm talking about. You're the woman who rewrites emails ten times before hitting send. You redo presentations fifteen times because they're "not quite right." You work longer hours than everyone else because perfectionism at work means nothing can leave your desk unless it's absolutely pristine.

Meanwhile, you're telling your team that mistakes are learning opportunities and encouraging them to take risks. But you? Oh, you hold yourself to standards that would make Olympic judges weep.

Can we just acknowledge how messed up that is for a hot minute?

The Truth About Where Perfectionism Comes From

Here's what causes someone to be a perfectionist—and it's going to sting a little. Perfectionism isn't actually about wanting to do good work. It's about survival.

For me, it started early. If I was "perfect," maybe my parents would finally love me the way I desperately needed. Maybe if I got straight A's, cleaned my room flawlessly, and never caused any trouble, I'd finally be worthy of the affection I watched them give so freely to others.

Spoiler alert: It didn't work.

But that didn't stop me from trying. School became my next battlefield for perfection—straight A's weren't just goals, they were proof of my worth. Then came my first job at Sears in the hardware and paint department, where I memorized every tool specification and paint formula because not knowing everything felt like failure.

By the time I hit corporate finance, my perfectionism had evolved into a full-contact sport. Ten rewrites for a single email. Fifteen versions of one presentation deck. Hours spent obsessing over details that literally no one else would notice or care about.

Research from Psychology Today confirms what I learned the hard way: perfectionism often develops as a trauma response. Perfectionism is a response to inner shame that often comes from childhood trauma, as individuals strive to gain a sense of control and security in their environment.

Think about it. If you could just be perfect enough, you'd never face rejection, criticism, or abandonment. If you could control every detail, you'd never experience the pain of not being good enough.

The tragic irony? Perfectionism doesn't actually make us safer—it just makes us more anxious.

Why Common Solutions Fail Perfectionists

Let's talk about the advice you've probably been getting. "Just let it go." "Good enough is good enough." "Stop overthinking everything."

Eye roll so hard I nearly pulled something.

This surface-level advice completely misses the deeper truth: your perfectionism isn't just a work habit—it's a survival strategy that's been deeply wired into your nervous system.

When well-meaning friends or coaches tell you to "relax your standards," what your nervous system hears is: "Be less careful. Lower your guard. Risk being rejected." Every cell in your body interprets this as danger and rebels against it.

Studies from Harvard Business Review show that traditional approaches to overcoming perfectionism fail because they don't address the underlying emotional drivers. They treat perfectionism like a time management issue when it's actually an identity and safety issue.

I tried all the typical strategies:

• Setting time limits for tasks (I just worked faster to fit more perfection into the timeframe)
• Practicing "good enough" mindset (while internally panicking that good enough would expose me as inadequate)
• Delegating more (then staying up all night worrying about whether the work met my standards)

None of it worked because I was trying to logic my way out of an emotional survival pattern. Breaking perfectionism required something much deeper than surface-level behavioral changes.

How to Overcome Perfectionism: My Recovery Process

Ten years ago, I realized my perfectionism wasn't just exhausting me—it was robbing me of joy, creativity, and authentic connection. The wake-up call came when I spent six hours crafting a two-sentence email to a manager, only to have them respond with "Sounds good, thanks."

Six hours. For two sentences. That no one even really read.

That's when I knew something had to change. How to overcome perfectionism wasn't going to be about finding better tips and tricks—it was going to require rewiring my entire relationship with excellence, worth, and safety.

The Journey From "It Must Be Perfect" to "It's Good Enough"

Breaking perfectionism required something much deeper than surface-level behavioral changes. Here's what actually worked:

First, I had to understand the difference between healthy striving and neurotic perfectionism. Healthy striving says, "I want to do excellent work because I care about the outcome." Neurotic perfectionism says, "I must be perfect or I'm worthless as a human being."

Second, I had to practice what I call "conscious imperfection." This meant deliberately sending emails with minor typos, submitting presentations that were 90% polished instead of 100%, and watching the world not end when things weren't flawless.

Third, I had to learn to recognize my perfectionist thoughts and actively challenge them. As I discuss in Rewire Your Brain: How to Reframe Negative Thoughts, changing our thought patterns requires conscious intervention. When my brain said "This isn't good enough," I learned to respond with "This serves its purpose and that's enough."

The breakthrough came when I realized that "good enough" wasn't settling—it was freedom.

How to Combat Perfectionism: 3 Ways to Stop Being a Perfectionist

Okay, Beautiful Soul, this is where we get practical. Grab your coffee—or wine, I don't judge—because these three shifts will change everything.

1. Redefine Excellence: From Outcome to Process

Your perfectionist brain is obsessed with flawless outcomes. We're going to redirect that obsession toward excellent processes instead. This is how to deal with perfectionism while still honoring your drive for quality.

Instead of: Rewriting emails until they're perfect Try this: Set a process standard—write once, proof once, send. Trust that clear communication matters more than perfect prose.

Instead of: Redoing presentations until every slide is pristine
Try this: Focus on whether your message is clear and actionable. Excellence is in the impact, not the aesthetics.

The perfectionist payoff: You still get to be excellent, but now you're measuring success by consistency and effectiveness rather than impossible standards.

This shift alone will save you hours every week and reduce your anxiety by about 70%.

2. Master Strategic Imperfection: How to Be Okay With Not Being Perfect

This is how to be okay with not being perfect—and it's going to feel scary at first. We're going to intentionally introduce small imperfections to desensitize your nervous system to the "danger" of not being flawless. Think of it as perfectionism activities in reverse.

Start small: Send one email per day without proofreading it seventeen times. Submit one piece of work that's 85% polished instead of 100%.

Notice what happens: The world doesn't end. People still respect you. Your work still has impact.

Gradually increase: As your tolerance for imperfection grows, practice letting go of perfectionism in bigger ways.

The perfectionist payoff: You build evidence that your worth isn't dependent on flawless performance, which gradually rewires your nervous system's threat response.

The goal isn't to become sloppy—it's to become strategically excellent instead of neurotically perfect.

3. Separate Your Worth From Your Work: The Ultimate Perfectionism Fix

This is the deepest shift, Brave One, and the one that will transform not just your work but your entire relationship with yourself. This is how to fix perfectionism at its root.

Your perfectionism has always been about proving your worth through what you do. Recovery is about recognizing your worth through who you are—your wisdom, your creativity, your ability to solve problems and support others.

As I discuss in Leadership and Self Confidence: The Truth About What No One Tells You, true confidence comes from internal validation, not external perfection.

Practice this: Before starting any task, remind yourself: "My worth isn't determined by how perfectly I complete this. I am valuable because I exist, not because of what I produce."

The perfectionist payoff: You finally get to channel your drive for excellence toward something that actually fulfills you—creating impact and meaning rather than just avoiding criticism.

This is where the magic happens. This is where you stop feeling like you're swimming upstream and start feeling like you're finally using your gifts the way they were meant to be used.

The Deeper Truth About Perfectionism Recovery

Here's what I've learned after decades of perfectionist prison and years of recovery: your perfectionism isn't your problem—it's your superpower waiting to be properly directed.

The same attention to detail that makes you obsess over emails can make you incredible at spotting opportunities others miss. The same high standards that exhaust you in perfectionist mode can become the vision that inspires excellence in yourself and others. The same drive that currently traps you can become the force that propels you toward meaningful impact.

You don't need to become less of who you are to find peace. You need to become more strategic about how you apply who you are.

Research from Harvard Business Review on perfectionism shows that people who successfully overcome perfectionism don't eliminate their high standards—they redirect them toward areas that actually matter. Perfectionism is increasing over time, with studies showing up to 32% higher levels of perfectionist tendencies in young adults over the past three decades.

This is the work we do together in my coaching—not fixing your perfectionism, but aligning it with approaches that actually serve your joy and success. Not changing your fundamental nature, but channeling it in ways that energize you instead of depleting you.

The Reality Check: Why Perfectionism at Work Sabotages Success

But I also send emails with typos. I submit presentations that are very good rather than perfect. I show up authentically even when I'm not feeling flawless.

And you know what? My work has more impact now than it ever did when I was perfectionist-trapped.

Dealing with perfectionism isn't about becoming mediocre—it's about becoming strategic. How to not be a perfectionist doesn't mean lowering your standards; it means applying your excellence where it actually matters. As research shows, perfectionism at work often decreases productivity and increases burnout rather than improving performance.

The woman I am today still cares deeply about excellence. I still pay attention to details that matter. I still strive to do meaningful, impactful work.

Dealing with a Perfectionist (Spoiler: It's You): Your Next Steps

What's one area where perfectionism is currently stealing your joy or energy? Is it how to stop perfectionism from controlling your work schedule? Or maybe you're wondering how to get rid of perfectionism that's affecting your relationships? Drop it in the comments or message me privately—I'd love to hear your story.

And if this cracked something open in you, if you're ready to transform your perfectionist tendencies from prison to superpower, book a Free Clarity Call. Let's talk about what recovery from perfectionism could look like for you.

Because here's the truth, Beautiful Soul: You are already enough, exactly as you are, imperfections and all. The question isn't how to be less of a perfectionist—it's how to be more of yourself. It's time to start living like you believe it.